It is only by the Grace of God that I am here today as a witness to the horrific consequences of abortion. Fear is a mighty weapon of dark forces. It can lead us to panic, like a trapped animal, as we look for fast, easy solutions. It is an impatient master when we become vulnerable to it.
As a seventeen year old faced with an unplanned pregnancy, I was vulnerable to that fear and panic, so when Planned Parenthood told me it was only a blob of tissue, like a tumor, and that I could solve my problem quickly and easily, that I could go on with my life as if I had never been pregnant, that my family would never need to know, I believed those lies. I just wanted the fear to go away and to please my boyfriend. That boyfriend left me soon after.
The abortion facility was sterile and cold just like my heart, numbed by sedation and the belief that I had no other option.
Afterwards, surrounded by the soft cries of the other girls around me, tears began to flow as I realized the truth: a child, my child, was gone forever. I told myself, “Don’t you dare cry, this is what you chose to do and now you can’t undo it.” It was then that I decided I would never think about it again. I would bury the pain deep inside myself, as if it had never happened.
But there is a price to pay for rationalizing and denying the pain and shame. You can run, but you cannot hide from it forever. The culture said abortion was okay, so why did I feel such unbelievable loss and guilt? I thought I was the only one who felt this way.
When I was growing up, I dreamed of having children and a loving family. But everything I did after the abortion made that dream impossible, I felt I didn’t deserve it. I used sex to try and find the love I so desperately wanted and found only dysfunctional relationships and emptiness. When my doctor wouldn’t give me the pill any longer because I smoked, I chose a tubal ligation. I couldn’t trust myself to ever be pregnant again.
I contemplated suicide many times. The final time, I fell to my knees and begged God, “If you exist and if my life is worth saving, please help me!” He answered me with an indescribable, unfathomable love. He awakened my soul and eventually led me to the healing. I was blessed to find hope through a post-abortion recovery program.
Today, I honor the memory of my son, Tommy, with my own repentant life and a promise to help others. I regret my abortion and I regret suffering in silence for over 30 years, but today I can say, there is Hope, there is Forgiveness, there is Redemption and Healing in Christ Jesus. And there is a peace in my life now that I never experienced before.
Your story may be similar or very different from mine. But if you are hurting from an abortion experience, you deserve to know that that you are not alone and there are caring people who want to help. I encourage you to call the International Help-Line for Abortion Recovery at 866-482-Life (anytime day or night). There is someone there who understands, will respect your confidentiality, and will help you take the first step to regaining the peace you are seeking.
Please know that I am praying for you even though I do not know your name. I believe it was the prayers of people I never met that opened my heart to God’s grace and saved me from myself. Jesus loves you more than you can possibly know, and He is waiting for your response to that love.
Christy and her husband, Jim, are retired school teachers. Christy is involved in her church, where she feels she is called to be a spiritual mother to many, and in various pro-life ministries, including the International Helpline, volunteer work with a local pregnancy support center and 40 Days for Life..