“Are you married?" asked the worker in an abortion clinic in Florida. “No,” I responded adding another layer of shame. “It’s just a blob of cells,” she said. We needed to take care of it quickly while it was still “just a blob of cells.” I was 18 and called myself an adult. I would make my decisions now. I made the appointment for the next week. It would all be over in a week and I could go back to life as usual. After the “procedure,” I felt relief. It was all over. Little did I know nothing would be the same after my “adult” decision. You see I never realized until years later how much the decision to abort my baby would change my life. I already had a strong tie with the father of my baby, but after the abortion I took it to a whole new level. One author writes, “When the sexual union produces a child, the emotional bonding with the father of that child is stronger. If the child is aborted, the father becomes the only living link with the dead child. For this reason, you may feel compelled to maintain or reestablish a connection with the father.” This doesn’t happen to everyone, but that is a perfect description of what happened to me. I was obsessed with doing whatever it took to keep our relationship. I started drinking, smoking pot and dressing like the people he hung out with. He was a surfer and there were a lot of pot parties. I thought if I could be more like him and fit into his world, we would be together. We had to be together. Our relationship was always rocky, on again, off again before the abortion, but when he broke up with me afterward, I was devastated. I couldn’t do anything but cry. Mom took me to a doctor who said I was suffering from depression. I lost 30 lbs. I was dying inside. I couldn’t cope so I turned to drinking more alcohol, smoking more pot, taking pills, and dancing the night away. Waking up with a stranger, more shame, more tears. I didn’t want to live any longer. I lived in a haze just going through the motions of life and could not find a reason to live. My younger sister came to live with me. She had changed since I last saw her. She was happier, and whatever she had I wanted. I went to church with her one Sunday and found that only the Lord Jesus could wipe my slate clean and make me pure again. I didn’t realize until years later that Isaiah 1:18 was my life verse, “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow…” I was forgiven by God and found a reason to live. But, there is a difference between being forgiven and feeling forgiven. There is also a difference in being forgiven and being healed. Twelve years after my abortion, I went through a post-abortion Bible study. I didn’t realize I even needed it, but I felt the nudging of the Holy Spirit to go. One recovery counselor put it this way, Have you ever tried to put water on a fresh wound? If you have tried then you must have felt some pain. Water, which would not harm you if you were not injured has just made you feel some pain when it touched your wound. When we develop a wound we tend to become over-sensitive to factors that didn’t use to bother us before. The same goes for emotional wounds: What if you have some emotional wounds that are making you over-sensitive to factors other people don’t even notice? All of these small things that are bothering you may be harmless on their own but they hurt you because they touch your wounds just like the water did. My twelve-year-old wound was still fresh. I knew because whenever I heard the word abortion my stomach felt like it was tied in knots. I found I needed to surrender to the Lord my abortion experience and pain. It was hard but the Bible study changed my life, turning what was meant for evil to good. Abortion workers still tell teenage clients, “it’s a blob of cells” or “a piece of tissue.” They are wrong. We bond with our babies at conception. When that bond is broken it goes against our nurturing instincts and we pay a price. We are created in the image of God. We were created to give life, not take life. When our babies die, a piece of us dies with them. There is healing available. Reach out and make a call to the International Helpline for Abortion Recovery 866.482.5433, anytime day or night. We understand and want to help. Scripture says nothing can separate us from the love of God, not even abortion. You can be forgiven and healed. Let’s talk.
Cynthia and her husband have four adult children and seven grandchildren with one grandchild on the way. She is a phone consultant for Concepts of Truth and wants to help those who are hurting.