My abortion was a was one of many regretful decisions I made during a time in my life I was so far from the Lord; I was certain that he could not possibly love me any longer. Running from the Lord began about a year before I got pregnant, when I chose to become involved with a dangerous man who began to control me very quickly and rather than turn and run, I chose to be flattered by his negative attention.
When I learned I was pregnant, I chose an abortion as a quick and easy solution to the “problem.” My Christian family would never understand! That experience left a hole in me that I could not fill. That decision was proof of the very dark place I stepped into in my escape from God. Each time I thought about what I had done, I pushed it out of my mind and quickly move on, making the hole inside of me just a bit bigger. I continued to make terrible choices and deny any effect of what I had done. My life spiraled out of control, I finally reached out to the Lord for answers and help. I asked for his forgiveness, for his love to return to me and for him to show me where I needed to change my life. He showed me that HE NEVER stopped loving me. I chose to stop loving him. He showed me that he had never left me; that even with the stupid decisions I made, He was always there and He still had a plan for my life. One that would take me in the direction He had always planned for me. He would use even the horrible choices I made for something good. (Romans 8:28)
I began to grieve for my lost child. The quick resolution had followed me for many years and because of it, I consistently made more bad choices. My shame, fear of being exposed, and guilt would overtake me when I was alone. Nobody ever warned me that the quick fix would follow me for the rest of my life. I had not told anyone else besides the father, who was no longer in my life.
I had met a gentle kind man, whom I had been dating for about 6 months. Our relationship was one based on our Christian beliefs and complete honesty; I told him of the horrible decision I had made and how terribly guilty and unworthy of God’s love I felt. Amazingly, he did not judge me at all. We cried together and he reminded me of the mistakes of Godly men in the Bible and how God used those decisions to make them stronger and brought them closer to Him. It was at that point that I began to heal slowly.
I married that man, and we raised my two younger children together, with God as the Head of our home and relationship. God sent him to me, of that I am sure, and his love and encouragement helped me grow in my faith and as a person tremendously. I even went back to school and earned my Master’s Degree.
Three years ago, my husband became very ill and died shortly after. When he realized he would soon be gone, he asked me what I was going to do with myself. I said I wanted to serve the Lord full-time. He smiled, and said, “I bet you will do it!” God has used every-single thing I ever experienced to help young women and because of my personal experience, they know I get where they are coming from. I don’t judge them! They trust me, value the help, advice and guidance I provide to help them make better choices.
I want to use my abortion experience to help women who are thinking about abortion or have faced the same situation; to help them see that they are not unlovable nor unworthy. I just want to serve Him by loving on women who think they are unlovable and help them see that God, our Father, loves them anyway! Because that is who He is!!